Chained
by nevergoback
Summary: One year later, are they still the same people? post-Watershed fic.
1. Chapter 1

One year.

One year since she said "not now", since she saw his face fell and put the ring back on his pocket with no words, since he didn't get up from his knee for about ten minutes and she ran her fingers through his hair, since he pushed her away and left her alone in their swing set.

One year since the last time they've spoken.

One year since the last time he met her.

All he knew from Esposito and Ryan was, she went to DC. That if he asked her to not go that day, she wouldn't. If he stopped being a coward that day and give her another chance, she wouldn't go. If he stayed, she wouldn't go. They also told him that she was waiting for him at the airport to stop her from going, but nothing came up, so that was it – she left.

She called him. 30 times a day at the first three months, 10 times at the seventh month, yesterday he received only 5. There were voicemails he never had the gut to hear. His mother would hear them, and at one point after listening to it she slapped him.

She said that he was being a jackass. That a Rodger wouldn't does something like this to woman. That it was their Katherine they were talking about.

His daughter still contacted his almost fiancée. He knew it, but he just didn't care anymore. Kate was great on Alexis, and she deserved the way her daughter loved her. It was the same way for his mother.

But, no. Not his love. Not anymore.

He was a complete invalid since. He hadn't written a word for Nikki Heat, because he loved words, and the beauty, meaning, and depth of every single word reminded him of her. He didn't play games with remote-control anymore because it reminded him of the prank she threw him that night. He didn't even attend the sci-fi convention he was so excited about, because Kate loved sci-fi, and the whole thing was just reminding him of her.

God, he missed her so much. And maybe his Mother was right - he was a jackass.

Just like her.

* * *

He felt her daughter pressed her lips to his cheek, and he smiled. The only smile he hadn't faked in the last three months, because everyone lied to him, time doesn't heal, the longer he was away from her, the most it hurt.

Maybe there was hope after all.

"You'll be okay, Dad?" Her red hair was longer than he remembered, and she changed her hairstyle. She now has a bang, just like old times. The only differences were, she was more mature, taller, more beautiful, and she…she didn't ask his permission, not even told him that she had a new hairstyle anymore right now.

He laughed at himself, at the universe, mostly at him, how much things had changed at everyone he cared about and how it felt like he was just watching the whole changes without being a part of it.

Like he was _invisible_.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

Alexis frowned in concern. "You okay?"

He quickly nodded, didn't want her daughter to ask any more questions, because, _damn it, Alexis, I love you so much, but please leave me alone in this, eventually time will heal, or if it doesn't, eventually I'll forget._

"Yes. Yes. I'm good. I'm fine."

"Good," she leaned again the walland sighed, "See you next month, Dad. Oh, and do you want to join?"

"Join what?"

"I don't know, I just feel like watching The Amazing Spiderman 2 with my dad. In fact, I have the tickets already." She raised an eyebrow, challenging him. She saw his dad's blue eyes lighten up.

"And when is that?"

"Hmm, let's see," she looked at her watch. "An hour from now?"

"An hour from now?!" He repeated her words and jumped to his room.

"I'll be back!"

Maybe he could live again.

* * *

"Why don't we buy some popcorn, pumpkin?"

Alexis shook her head. "We don't have much time left."

"But you love them."

She didn't respond. "Nachos?"

"Don't feel like it. Come on, Dad, there are people behind me. Don't move too slow."

"Okay, okay, no need to be scary," He walked faster, "where are we sitting?"

"Three rows from here."

"Left or ri-"

"Find the one with Kate in it."

Castle's eyes widened. "Did you just say Kate?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You didn't say-"

"Dad, move faster, the person behind me kinda pushed me." She whispered to his ears.

They were finally settled, and Alexis was in the middle of her dad and Kate. None of them decided to break the silence, none of them decided to use the very little time of the commercials before the movie started, and so they just stared at the screen as the light started to fade.

Kate had bought caramel popcorn earlier, she told Alexis, and that's why they didn't buy any. He now understood that. But somehow, somehow he didn't smell the caramel as he always does.

He only smelled cherry.

He was so thankful of how much Alexis loved the superhero, and how her eyes never leave the screen as the movie started. It was dark, but somehow he could catch a glimpse of her – Kate Beckett – and then it stabbed him to the heart how her green eyes was watching the heroic scene at the screen yet they're so empty, how pale she looked like when the screen was bright enough so he could see her face, and how he was the cause of all of that.

He once swore on his life that he would never forgive any man, any person who hurt her, physically, emotionally, or even worse – both.

And yes, he would never forgive himself for this.

They would've been married right now, if only he didn't run. Maybe today she would tell him she was pregnant, maybe today they were planning their wedding, or just simply waking up to her beautiful face – so many things. But then he made a decision, the wrong decision, and he regretted it.

And then he realized – _the last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder – if only._

The movie ended before he knew it.

* * *

_AN: I know I should be working on "Break", but I swear I almost done with the 4th chapter and I can't let go the idea of this one. Oh, and sorry for the grammar errors, I don't speak English. Should I continue?_


	2. Chapter 2

Her father was disappointed at her decision.

He never said it, though, but she could tell. For example, he only called once a month.

Even back then when she had a trip to Italy, not because of work and out of dangers, he called her every day. She understood that it had been 10 years since the trip, that she was now 34 and more mature, but he was still her dad after all.

Sometimes she thought that no one cares anymore.

She was still in contact with Lanie and the boys, but it hurt too much just to hear their voices.

Voice, just like scent, they're things that would never leave your mind. It comforted you. It scared you. It's one of those reasons why sometimes people couldn't move on. Voice never was just a voice.

She missed Castle. She missed her home. For some people, home isn't a place, it's a person. And he was her home.

Never had she thought on her life that there would be a day when she stopped drinking coffee. Coffee was her drug, her must-drink, her completion of day...and to be honest, she didn't miss any of it - drinking coffee, the taste of it, the smell of it..

She only missed the person who brought it to her.

As the new member of the Federal Agent, she was busier than others.

Sometimes she came back from work at four in the morning, and her new friend, which is her new co-worker, had waited for her. Her partner here is older just by four years from her, and she had helped her so much with her situation. She asked her to live together in her apartment, and she thought, why not?

Her name was Sarah. She had a child, she was from Seattle, and…she was a fan of Castle. She knew how to behave, though. It took her two months until she asked Kate.

"So tell me more about Castle." Asked her as she combed her short, black hair.

"Should I really?" Kate sighed as the image of him, Castle, came back. _Not that he ever left._

"Come on, I told you about Mike all the time. It's your turn."

Mike was Sara's husband. They were crazily in love, and what funny was, never Kate heard Sara told her about her daughter Alyssa unless she asked. All she told her was just how adorable, how understanding, and how handsome he was. They were already married for three years now.

Something that might've already happened to her and Castle if only she didn't leave.

"Okay, where do I start?"

"The way you two meet, things he had done for you, and things you had done for him."

Kate frowned. "Things we had done for each other? Does it matter?"

Sarah shrugged. "Every little things of it matters. I mean – I get all over the moon when Mike held my hand." She then laughed – they both do.

"Well, yeah, we met because someone was killed the same way he did on his novel."

"Let me guess, In Hail of Bullets?"

"No. No. Flowers For Your Grave."

"You don't say the body was covered with flowers too?"

"It is covered with flowers!"

* * *

"She almost took a bullet for protecting you and told you he loved you?! And you didn't contact him for three months?!"

Kate looked to the floor, avoiding her eyes. "Yes, and I lied to him. I told him I didn't remember everything, including his words."

Sarah shook her head. "You don't need to lie to me, it's already dramatic the way it is, don't add things."

"I'm being serious here."

Sarah was really good to her, and she was grateful of it. It made her easier to tell Sara things they've been through together. The freezer, the tigers, the bomb…

It took her two hours to tell Sarah what Castle did to her. It only took fifteen minutes to tell her what she did to him.

"Kate, I must admit, it was one of the best love story I've ever heard. I just don't understand why he hadn't showed up here. I wanted to meet him."

Kate closed her eyes tightly and covered her face with her hands. "I didn't tell him I went for the interview."

"Are you kidding me?! But you're her girlfriend and partner, you've decided to be together. When you came up to his door that night, didn't you realize that you both are going to be together? Not just in love life, but in…other things, too?"

"I..I did, I just didn't think that it would mean so much to him."

"Of course it would! He chased you for four years, Kate. He stood by your side through the reason you were shot you didn't want to tell me, he came back to you after you didn't call him for three months, he forgave you after you lied to him, God, he didn't leave when you stepped on that damn bomb! How did you think he would feel when you decided not to hide it from him? Of course he wanted to break up!"

Kate felt tears pricked from her eyes. "It wasn't the reason we broke up. We haven't even broken up officially."

"It's not?"

"No…He proposed me."

"And you didn't say yes?"

Kate gave her a small nod. Sarah moved beside her and gave her a small hug. "I like you, Kate. But I think you're a total idiot."

_Sometimes we need other people to see right through us._

* * *

She only called him for the first two months. The rest weren't her, but Sarah. And Kate was okay with it.

She didn't know that sometimes she talked in her sleep, calling his name, mostly when she had nightmare. Sarah would wake up and took Kate's phone, called Castle, and when it went to voice mail, she put the phone right in front of the sleeping Kate.

She thought they both deserved to have each other again, to love each other again, to come back to each other.

They both deserved happy ending.

* * *

It has been a year since the last time she saw the Empire State building, since the last time she was the owner of Badge 41319. She didn't even come to meet the baby Ryan because work didn't allow her, and it killed her.

Maybe people didn't care because they thought she didn't care too.

_Maybe she wasn't trying as hard as others.  
_  
The first place she came to was the swing set. She regretted saying 'not now' – she regretted leaving New York – she regretted so many things. And she was going to fix it.

She called her daughter.

_"Kate! How are you? __**We **__miss you. Is everything okay?"_

"I'm fine, Alexis. And I miss you too, how are you?"

_"Good. I can't wait to see Max tomorrow."_

"You're coming back to your dorm tomorrow?"

_"Yeah, why?"_

"Umm…nothing."

_"Oh my God! Are you in New York? _"

She laughed at the excitement of the younger woman's voice. "Yes, Alexis, I am. I just wonder if we can meet today, are you free?"

_"Yeah! Of course I am. Place and time?"_

"Just text me your favorite cinema, but we're definitely going to watch The Amazing Spiderman 2."

_"Ok, I'm going to print my ticket. Have you bought the ticket?"_

"Yes, but I only have one. I'll buy more for you."

_"No – I got this. What row are you in?"_

"F. I'll buy the food."

_"Good. And Kate, can I bring-"_

"-yes."

She swore there were firework.

* * *

He looked thinner than she remembered and it wasn't in a healthy way. He was still as ruggedly handsome as ever, but he was hurting - and she was the reason. And it hurts when she saw him in pain. It hurts more when she knew she caused it.

Sarah was right. _I was a total idiot._

He got closer to their row when she saw his face fell. Based on the look on his face, she was pretty sure Alexis didn't tell him that he was going to meet her. He would probably leave after knowing that she was here, but he didn't, and there was when she realized - maybe he still wanted this. Maybe he missed her as much as she did. Maybe they could be something she agreed one year ago at the swing set - more. More than just the people they were. She messed up, but maybe -

Maybe there was still hope.

Her blue eyes were on her the entire movie. She wished she could do the same because she missed him so damn much, but she was sure as hell it would be awkward if he noticed she did the same thing. It wasn't a movie - their life wasn't a movie, she learned it years ago, and there was nothing such as finding each others' eyes in the dark of the room and looked at each other deeply, especially at their situation.

But she thought too much, just like always, and she was going to stop.

_I need to see his face._

She couldn't take it any longer – she missed him so much.

_I need to see his face._

She was going to fix everything.

_I need to see his face._

The light brightened before she knew it.

* * *

AN: What do you think? And again, should I continue? Oh, and thank you for the reviews, good or bad, nice or rude, straight or with sarcasm, I really am thankful for them. Much appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

_The past always came back to you._

_Does it?_

Alexis Castle was the first to stand up when the movie ended, threw a look to her seat one more time in case she left something, and then looking to both Kate and her dad. Kate was basically still looking at the screen, and so was her dad.

"Are you two going to watch the credits until it's finished, or..?"

"Well, we usually have funny things in the middle of the credit, right, Castle?" Kate asked as she took a mouthful of popcorns, her heart was pounding fast. She didn't remember the last time she was this nervous.

He didn't answer. Not that he wanted to ignore her, not that he had no intention to answer, but because he never believed once in the past one year that he would ever hear her voice again in person, and when he finally did...he couldn't stop.

_Please say something again. I've missed you so much._

"Castle?" Kate turned her head to meet his eyes.

_God, the curls of her hair._

"Castle?"

"Um – yes? We can leave now, I think, everyone is already out. I don't want us to be the only one here. I never liked to be the last. " Castle said as he stood up.

_He never liked to be the last._

It felt as if someone slapped her hard. _Is that how he feels? The last?_

She bit her lip, and he knew right away that she got the message. It was one of the things that destroyed them. Secrets. Signs. Sentences that could mean more than one purpose.

"You're not the last, Castle. You never are." She didn't know why her voice wavered.

"But never the first either." His tone was bitter, he felt it himself, and he hoped that Alexis didn't hear it.

* * *

They were having a very awkward, silence dinner when Alexis' phone ringed. Turned out, Max was already on the way to the loft to pick her up already. Castle liked that boy, he was so well-behaved, but he hated that Max always stole Alexis' time with him. He wouldn't see her daughter until the next two weeks, and he missed those times when she was still living at the loft and threw him those smiles every morning. He also missed the smiley pancakes, the laser tag…he missed so much things.

Alexis gave him one last hug and he really melt into it, not realizing that the real problem was in front of him.

He hadn't met this woman for a year, and suddenly they were having dinner together again?

Kate was hungry, he could tell. Kate wasn't a fast eater, but this lasagna she ordered was in a large portion and she almost done with it.

He watched her, and for the million times of the day, he laughed to himself – because it was crazy, and it was weird. It was crazy how everyday he used to watch her in awe, admiring her cute sleeping face, feeling warm when she laughed, because, God, it sounded like music to him, and suddenly he stopped seeing her for a year. Suddenly he wanted to forget about her, suddenly he wanted to just get rid of her, but he knew he couldn't.

It was weird that he was still trying to make it happen – forgetting her.

"Is it okay?" She asked out of nowhere.

He was startled and confused by her question. She read that on his face.

So she tried, again. "Is it okay? Us meeting each other again, seeing each other again…having dinner like this again?"

"I don't know," he swallowed another piece of his garlic bread, "what do you think?"

"I just don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable."

He didn't know what to say, but after a few seconds he managed to ask her. "Do you?"

She frowned. "Do I what?"

"Feel uncomfortable?"

She took a gulp of her mineral water, longer than she ever did, because she didn't want to answer. But she promised herself she won't run like last time, and that's what she was going to do.

"Yes. Yes I did."

She saw him nod. "And what made you think it would be any different to me? We haven't talked for a year. A damn year, Kate. You _were_ my partner, hell, you _were_ my girlfriend. I asked you an important, hard question and you ran to DC."

She was about to argue when he continued talking. "Don't say if I asked you to stay, you would've stayed. If you asked me to go with you, I would've gone with you, Kate. Even if you said no."

"I'm sorry, Rick-"

"-I know, Kate. I know you're sorry. You've said it times before. You always came back to me saying sorry. When you came back three months later after you technically died two times in my arms, that night when you came up to my door, that afternoon when at the swing set. But you never actually understand what are you asking apologize for."

Tears began to form in her eyes. "Then tell me!"

"No." Castle said quickly. " You were a smart woman, Kate. Hell, you still are. You can figure it out yourself."

When a tear ran down her cheek, he knew he got it enough. Above all the anger, the disappointment of her acts, he still _cared_ about her.

He didn't think he'd ever stop.

She didn't wipe the tear, and pretended to continue eating.

"I'm sorry, Castle." She said it again before she realized what she had said.

Castle nodded. "I know, Kate. I know."

* * *

She gave him a tight smile. "So how are you?"

She learned that after not meeting someone you cared about for a year, she wanted to know everything that had been going on your partner's life. She knew it wasn't a low-risked question, but he might tell her. He might still care about her.

"I'm good. I met my father again." Castle admitted as she watched his eyes lighten up. "We were talking for only an hour, but I think it was enough."

She smiled with him. "Glad to know, Castle. How about Martha?"

"I thought you're still in touch with her."

"Yes. Not so much anymore."

"Someone insulted her again last month, and she couldn't stop thinking about it."

Kate's face fell. "Have you tried a bracelet along with your sweet words? She couldn't stop talking about that the last time I talked to her."

"I have no idea, Kate." He sighed, "You're the one who was good with her."

"No, not really," she laughed, "you're a really good son, Castle. Never doubt it. She's really proud of you."

"She doesn't." The image of his mother saying "_a Rodger will never do something like that to woman_"  
back on his mind. "And how about you, how are you? How was DC? Meet some new friends, Agent Beckett?"

She laughed, "Are you asking or interrogating?"

He replied her with a heartfelt laugh too, "Both?"

She told him about DC, about her new uniform, about how hard it was to get used to be called Agent, about Sarah and her family, but she didn't tell him how many nights she wanted to go back to New York, to him, and she didn't think he would ever know.

* * *

She looked at her watch, and it was three hours since they entered the restaurant already. He ordered another food, and they've stopped talking since, finishing their food.

She took her last gulp on her mineral water, leaving the glass completely empty, with a stain of lipstick. She looked at her empty plate, and then his.

They were done with their dinner.

_This is it, isn't it? A goodbye we've never said? A closure to our problem – to our relationship? _

She looked at him, and he seemed knew what she was thinking about.

_He always does._

But he stayed quiet with a small smile on his face. She knew just what to do.

"Tomorrow, Castle?"

* * *

_AN: Thank you for the reviews, follows, and favorites! I appreciate it so much. Oh, and to the anon saying I write like a 14 years old, I am 14, so I can't help it, hehehe. This chapter could be an ending, a bad ending. This could be a lead to another chapter too, another bad chapter. Which one do you choose? I'm totally good with both._


	4. Chapter 4

"He didn't say anything_."_

Kate could hear the woman on the other side of the phone sighed.

Kate stared blankly to the beautiful view of lights of New York, her own city, from the window of her hotel room. She hadn't contacted anyone beside Alexis and Castle here, not her dad, not Lanie, not Esposito, not Ryan. Not yet…or never.

_"And?"_

"And what?" Kate asked as she stood up from her chair, closing the curtains and sat on the bed.

"_And you just left?"_

Kate rubbed her own face with her free hand as a laugh escaped from her lips, which turned into emotion as she remembered what happened the hour before.

* * *

"Tomorrow, Castle?" She tried hard for her voice not to sound so hopeful, so desperate. Her fingers were squeezing her blue jeans, because she swore if he said no, then she would not try to ask forgiveness again anytime soon, or maybe not again. She made a mistake, she fell hard, but she knew he had fallen harder than she was. And while the time was moving without her permission, she had something new to did; he had to deal with the past.

Fourteen hours being in New York again after a year, she didn't remember the city being her city, she only remembered Castle. Every angle of the city reminded her of him, and if in less than a day she felt this distracted and having a pain on her chest, then what about him?

_Maybe Castle had moved on. Maybe he doesn't want me here anymore, maybe he doesn't feel a thing anymore, maybe he wants me to leave, maybe I hurt him even more by coming in, maybe…maybe he now hates me?_

She took a deep breath, and gained the strength to look at his face. He hadn't said any word; in fact he was on his phone, texting Alexis, maybe, _or her new girlfriend?_

And somehow it relieved her. _At least he hadn't said no._

She quickly understood that this dinner - this finished dinner, would be so awkward if she hadn't ask anything else.

"What did I miss here, Castle? How about Ryan junior?"

* * *

_"That's it, Kate?! You changed the subject?! For an ex-detective who interrogates almost two times a week, you're suck."_

Kate shook her head. "I didn't want to scare him."

_"Scare him, are you kidding me? That man once loved you, Kate. Crazy about you. Questions wouldn't scare him off. Maybe that was one of your problems, Kate, you gave up easily."_

"So what do I do now?"

_"From what you told me, you two have a special thing."_

Kate thought about it for a minute and then let out a laugh, "Why can't you just say 'coffee'?"

_"See? You like to shorten important things. Don't. Men don't like it…or at least Mike doesn't," _Sarah laughed, _"especially when your acts aren't that good, too."_

Kate would lie if she said it didn't sting a bit – Sarah's words – but Sarah was an honest person and Kate was grateful of it. "Noted."

_"Yes. So, Kate, you need to understand that you only have a week off. I'd like to think today is a progress for both you and your coward-ness, but it wasn't enough, and you can't just give up."_

"But it's been a year! It's not possible for us to be the way we were back then!"

_"It is," Sarah agreed, "it is impossible, but only if you think so. You two had challenges before, Kate, but always came back to each other. Let this one be one of it, and let this be the last. I think you two deserve more."_

_**"I think that we both deserve more."**_

**_"I agree."_**

Kate felt her heart pounding for the similiar words. "I agree."

_"You better really working on it, you only have six days left."_

"Yeah...maybe you're right." Kate found her spirit back, and yes, she would try to fix it.

* * *

The next day, her hands were full of coffees, so she placed a coffee, _her_ coffee, down beside the door, and knock the door gently. She felt a sheen of cold seat pricking from her forehead, and ugh, she hated being nervous.  
She found it funny how Castle was the person she was comfortable with the most, and now she had to deal with nervousness whenever she just wanted to see his face.

After ten seconds of silence, she knocked the door again. This time, someone opened it instantly.

"Katherine?" Kate watched the older woman's jaw dropped. Martha stared at her for a while, and then started to trail Kate's face with her hands.

"It's really you." Martha didn't believe what she saw, her hands still trailing Kate's cheek, as she felt her eyes burned with tears. Kate nodded in tears, and the next thing she knew, Martha was pulling her in a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Martha. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." Kate couldn't help but sobbed to Martha's hair.

"Katherine, you said you won't hurt him." Martha's voice was fierce and strong, but also tender. Kate understood. Martha was mad, but she was just being her.

"I know, Martha, I'm so sorry. I never meant to. I never meant to."

"You said you won't hurt him, but you once _promised_ me you won't hurt yourself anymore, Katherine! Now look at you," Martha let go of Kate's arms as she lead Kate to the living room, "you look even worse than the first time I met you."

Kate only nodded; her hands were busy wiping her own tears. "I know. I'm so sorry."

"Richard won't forgive you for this – for you hurting him. But he won't forgive himself for making you like this." Martha swayed her hand from Kate's head to toe. "Don't you know how it kills me to see my only son practically an invalid, blaming himself, blaming everyone else? How it kills me not to see you in a year?"

Kate's face crumpled as another fresh tear flowed from her eyes. She missed so much in the past year, and that wasn't going to happen if only she wasn't being stupid for the 100th times that day. If only she could turn back the time…

"..you can't turn back the time, Darling, but God still give you a chance to breathe right now and you better use it well. You're not as old as me, you still can fix this, but you're not getting younger either," advised Martha, "so it's all on you. Richard had changed a lot since he met you, and you are, too, and I'm so grateful for it, but sometimes we need more than getting better at some things. Sometimes we need to both fix our mistakes, but add some good things too."

Kate nodded in agreement, but then her bad thoughts came back. "What if it's too late?"

Martha smiled in sympathy, and sighed, as if she gave Kate a sign that she couldn't do anything about it. "Then it's too late."

* * *

_AN: I've decided I'm going to continue for the people who want this to be continued, and I apologize for updating so late, I just can't find the time. Any follows, favorites, and reviews would be so appreciated. And please tell me if you have some idea for the story! :)_


	5. Chapter 5

He fell asleep thinking about her. He dreamed about her. He woke up thinking of her. Sometimes he wondered if she couldn't stop thinking about him, _them, _too. Sometimes he wondered if she missed him much as he did too her. But what he couldn't stop wondering about all night was, if she was as curious of what he did in the last one year as much as he was curious about hers.

He wanted to know everything she did in the range time they didn't contact each other. Yeah, she told him about Agent Stack, her roommate Sarah and her husband Mike, but he needed to know everything. Every single thing.  
_  
Writer curse, _he thought.

He wanted to know what her first case was with the FBI, if she still woke up at random hours at night just to eat oatmeal cookies she loved so much and fell asleep after she ate at least 5, _if she ever slept_ He needed to know things she did without him, because they did everything together in five years and suddenly they didn't meet each other anymore. But most importantly, he needed to know if she was doing well.

_I should've asked her last night. We may not meet each other again for God-knows-how-long anymore.  
_  
Castle turned the shower handle to the left, and then dried himself with his towel, decided it was enough. Showering used to be one of his favorite ways to find ideas about Nikki, and it changed its function since that day to wondering what Kate was doing. He looked at the mirror slightly, and then opened the bathroom door when he heard her voice.

_Stop imagining things, Castle._

He leaned his head to the wall and took a very deep breath, trying to make his mind clear. He didn't hear her voice anymore.

_That's it, Castle. Take it slow._

Thirty minutes later, he started to feel hungry and went downstairs to make some breakfast. That was where he laid his eyes on something that never was only something and he could feel his stomach clenched the moment he saw it. There was a cup of coffee - he was pretty sure the coffee was there for at least an hour because it wasn't very hot anymore - but the warmth still radiated to his skin. He stared at it a minute longer, and then he decided he needed to know if he wasn't imagining things – her voice, her presence, and all – he wasn't. She was here. Kate Beckett was here.

He walked to the living room quietly in case she was still here and he changed his mind about seeing her. He found no one.

"Mother?" Castle shouted, the coffee was still on his hand.

"Yeah, kiddo?" Castle knew his mother was on her room when he heard her voice, and there was no way Beckett was in his mother's room. She didn't even let Alexis came to her room before she 'clean' it all.

"Was someone here?"

He didn't hear any answer, but then he heard footsteps going to his way. Martha was in front of him in no time. "You know the answer, Richard."

Castle shook his head, took a seat on his couch before letting his head fell to his hands. "Why did she come back? Did you ask her that?"

He felt a hand rubbing his back. "It was clear that nothing can make the two of you literally stopped coming back to each other, Darling."

Castle pushed Martha away, standing up with anger on his face. "One year! It took her one year to come back, and I'm not that desperate, Mother, she wasn't for me."

Martha nodded in silence, thinking about what to answer; because his son – his only son – had a gift of using golden words – she didn't know where it came from – but it was his biggest weapon.

"I couldn't just forgive her even if I want to." His voice came out as a whisper.

"You don't have to." Martha knew about being left more than anyone else, and it hurt, it hurt so much. She was so proud of her son that after all this time, he still thought about to-forgive or not-to-forgive. But no, she wouldn't let he know how proud she was – not yet.

Castle let out a watery sigh, and sat on the couch again. "How was her, Mother?"

Martha shrugged. "Based on that pale skin and how much she lost her weight, I don't think she's very good."

"I know. I've seen her. I mean – did she tell you something I don't know?"

Martha frowned. "You've seen her?"

"Long story," Castle sighed, "Now answer my question."

"This is her first vacation as an agent. But I think you already know that, then?"

He shook his head in denial. "No. I don't know, Mother, I don't know anything. Just about her new friends and her boss, but nothing much."

"She only has five days left here."

Castle laughed in sarcasm. "Great, now she was about to leave me again."

He sensed his mother's eyes on him, like she was curious of something, and all years on his life, he never once had a talk with his mother this awkward. He ignored it and pretended to play his phone, but it got so very uncomfortable, he had to say something. Did he say something wrong?

"What?" Castle asked as he put down his phone.

Her answer, which came out as another question, was quick. "Do you want her to stay?"

"No." He tried to find a way to describe what he felt – that he was mad at her for hurting him, but she hurts too, that he really didn't want to see her but he missed her so much.

"No? Are you sure, Richard?"

He didn't answer, encouraging her to say more. And it worked.

"Because she told me that she'd try to stay if you give her another chance to at least be her friend again. And if you will, she's going to be at your special place at 1pm, if I'm not mistaken." Martha said after the silence between them.

_It must be the swing set_, he concluded.

* * *

He didn't find her at the swing set.

There were only a few children swinging back and forth with an adult watching them, some of the children running around the park as laughs and tiny screams filled his ears. He silently watched them as he started imagining things again – about his future that could be _hers_ too - but it wasn't for long before he heard a very loud crash somewhere around him.

He watched as the children started screaming in horror – turning around to follow some people running to the center of whatever it was blowing his ears – but as he felt his stomach churned, he knew he didn't need to go there. He knew – but he hoped he was wrong.

_Please don't let me be right._

In all strength he had, he looked at his watch.

12.47pm.

* * *

_A/N: I haven't had much time to post the chapter between the school-hunting and preps for Ramadan. But I've written the 6__th__ chapter and will only post it if you want me to. I appreciate the comments, reviews, follows, and favorites!_


	6. Chapter 6

Everything hurts. Everything hurts, but she felt safe. It hurts so fucking bad - but it hurts good, and somehow she felt like she deserved the pain.

_For letting down your mother. For letting down your father. For letting down the Castles, for letting down the boys and Lanie. For not being able to save Roy.__  
_  
She smiled.

_Why hadn't anybody told her smiling hurts too?__  
_  
She smiled.

_It hurts more than being shot. Why?_

She opened her eyes, and then all she saw were the very blue sky and green grass. She sighed. Last time she was here, something bad happened. But she couldn't remember what.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, patting it comfortingly. She knew it was Castle, her partner, her plucky sidekick, the man who saved her from herself, the man who brought joy on her worst days in the past three years.

And then she felt a tug from him.

"I'll be by your side. I've got you. Come on." His voice was so gentle, and it did made her heart warm.

Everybody was looking at her like she supposed to do something. She looked around confused.

"Let's go, Kate." He whispered to her ear as he grabbed her left hand, led her to the podium.

Oh, this is where she had to say her words. This is where...No. No!

"No." She replied to him shortly.

If she couldn't change the reality, maybe she could change her other side of the world?

"You can do this, Kate. You'll be okay." He sled his hand to her waist as she stepped on the podium.

And then she couldn't find his hand anymore.

"Rick?" Kate asked in panic.

"Shh, I'm right here." He was three steps away behind her.

She didn't feel like talking, because she was really sure that something horrible was going to happen - but the words were flowing from her mouth easily, like she had said them often. It felt like something had controlled her body.

"Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop. He taught me, that for us, there are no victories. There's only the battle." She took a second to look at her family -her father, the boys, Lanie, Alexis, and Martha. There were grieve on their eyes, and that moment she knew that she wasn't the only one feeling this way.

"And in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand..." she breathed, "and if you're very lucky, you'll find someone willing to stand with you."

Her heart screamed no, but she looked to him, only him - Castle.

"Roy Montgomery want us to carry on a fight.."

She had a very bad feeling about this. She knew something was wrong, she knew - she knew - and she remembered blood after this speech – but she didn't know why.

"And even though there is no victory…"

She then sobered. This was it. She was going to get shot, Castle was going to confess his love, and the world was going to relapse all over her.

And the worst thing was, she had to feel that way all over again.

She knew she was dreaming. She found it funny, because when she dreamed, she knew she was dreaming. She knew it wasn't real, but when she woke up, she'd still cry over it.

The battle on her mind turned into a war.

She couldn't change the reality, that, she knew for sure. She was shot, it left her a scar both physically and emotionally, and nothing could change that.

_But maybe I could change my dream?_

She was so tired of being shot all over again – in reality, in her panic attacks, in dreams like this.

_I'm ready.  
_  
She looked at her chest. Her uniform was still good. No harm done, no _hole_, no blood stains. She was supposed to be shot by now. Why hadn't she?

_Am I not dreaming anymore? Is this real life?_

She continued her speech, and finished it good. Castle gave her a slight smile, and he told her he was so proud of her and that everything's gonna be okay as they walked down the podium. That was when she saw a flash that came and go.

_No. Not again._

"Castle!" She pushed him off the way as she heard a loud gunshot.

But it was too late.  
She watched him as the light on his eyes fading.

"CASTLE!"

* * *

"No." He pointed it fiercely.

"Mr. Castle, please know that this is for the best. We don't want her to hurt herself." The young nurse tried to make him change his mind, although she didn't see it coming.

"I said no. I will wake her up, I will try as hard as I could, but you _can't_ restrain her." Castle held Kate's hand as tight as he could as she jerked again.

"She could re-open her wounds."

"I wouldn't let her," Castle's voice softened, "don't you see her?! She's scared, she's having a nightmare, restraining her wouldn't make it any better." His voice broke in emotion.

Beckett had a very bad reaction to the painkiller they gave her, and she hadn't woken up after two hours from when she supposed to. The nurse had told him that it was a rare case. The nurse also thought that Beckett possibly might be using sleeping pills the night before that could make the unconscious time longer, and it was okay, but the bad dream she was having was a big problem. She started kicking, and he had tried waking her up but she didn't respond, just kicking, getting rid of her blanket a few times that he had to cover the blanket to her all over again.

The nurse sighed in sympathy. "I'll give you five minutes. Make sure she doesn't move her broken arm. I'll give you some time alone."

He nodded at the nurse gratefully.

"Kate?" He walked to the other side of her bed and clasped his hand to her fine arm, stroking it tentatively.

He felt her jerked against him again. "Shh, it's ok. It's ok. You're dreaming."

Castle knelt beside the bed, whispering his words right to her ear. "Can you wake up for me, Kate?"

Still holding her hand, he kissed her forehead. "Please wake up, Kate. We'll fix this, ok? We will. Please wake up."

He felt a squeeze on his hand.

"Kate? Open your eyes for me."

Her eyelids fluttered. It was so hard for her to just open them, her eyelids were so heavy, and Castle couldn't stop bleeding out, and -

"There you are. Keep it slow, it's ok, you can do this."

* * *

"Do you need anything? Does it hurt? You hungry?"

He threw her questions like that every ten minutes, yet he was so distant. She could see that in his eyes - he wanted to do something more than just staring at her from the three-meters-distance couch. It was like he was trying to tell her that what happened wouldn't change a thing, that she still had to fight for him, that he still mad at her. And she was okay with that – because he stayed.

She woke up to his wide eyes staring at her, hand brushing her hair, and been told that she woke up four hours late than she was supposed to. He told her that she scared him, that her father was on his way back to New York from the cabin, that he was so angry with her of scaring him like this and asked her not to do it again.

She said she'd try.

"Beckett?" She flinched as he said her last name. She wasn't used to it anymore.

She rolled her eyes. "No I don't."

"You don't need anything? You don't feel hurt? You're not hungry? Which question are you referring to?" He asked it so fast; he had to catch his breath.

"I'm not hungry and I don't need anything," she sighed.

"Are you saying you're in pain?" He stood up and went to her bed side, careful not to jostle the IV much.

"I was just hit by a car, Castle, of course I'm in pain. It's not that bad, though. Just my broken arm stinging." _and my very bad headache, my burning throat, my aching bones that strike from head to toe._

"Oh," he walked back to the couch.

He upgraded her room to the big one. She told him not to, but he fiercely said that he wanted her to have enough space for her therapy. The nurse said that her feet weren't broken, but they were partially bruised and she may need help for walking. She admitted her room was really comfortable, so different than the last time she was in hospital, healing from a bullet.

They fell into an uncomfortable silence, and she grew sleepy as it kept running.

"Castle?"

"Yeah, do you need anything?"

She shook her head and had no idea how much it hurts. She let out a whimper, and he must have heard it because the next thing she knew, he was sitting on edge of her bed.

"How do you feel right now? Has the pain got too much? The nurse also said you have an eighty-five percent chance of concussion, so if you feel anything-"

"—Castle, I'm just tired. Can I sleep?"

"No," his answer was quick. "No. I mean – you've slept enough, you've slept for six hours, you can't-" he stopped talking after he watched her for a few seconds. Her eyes were so distant, and she was having a hard time staying awake for him. Her finger gripped her blanket, like she was trying to control the pain for not being too much. She was struggling.

"I'm sorry." He heard her whisper. He knew she wasn't talking about the accident, not about scaring him to death, not for being sleepy – but about DC and her decisions – and she didn't need to know that.

He nodded. "Shh, it's okay. You can sleep. Rest, Kate, you deserve it."

She gave him a small smile as she was defeated by her heavy eyelids.

"I'll wake up. I'll come back." Kate assured him as her eyes began to close.

She felt his hand stroking her head gently. "You did, Kate. You _woke_ up. _You came back."_

* * *

_A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait of update. I had no time to update, plus I wrote three versions of this chapter because I just didn't feel enough for any of them, so please tell me if this chapter is doing ok because I don't feel that way. And I feel like this chapter's actually fine enough for an ending, so if you think I don't need to continue, I'll stop here. Thank you so, so much for the follows and favorites and reviews – they mean a lot!_


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